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Subject: McPoetry Project Poem Thread
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Username: KatKrazy
Online: User is Offline
Posts:258
Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Chicago


Member Since 5/17/2006

07/20/2006 10:57 PM Alert 
Posted By gottahavemcphaith on 07/18/2006 2:04 PM
Here's mine!!!!!! more to come. comments plz!!!!!!!

The Stage is Blessed Tonight

The stage is blessed
Tonight,
Touched
By the shadows of her
And warmed by the sharp spotlight
Distilled through deep brown hair
To rest soft against
The plateau rising
Above a hushed sea of eyes
Holding pleading gaze
On her
For now, just
Waiting, tense
Every breath is soft withheld
Until
Raising
Sweet strong lilting
Voice, she
Breathes life into the still scene, a
Blessed benediction
On the stage, and who surround.

Dear Gottahavemcphaith,

I like your work very much. I think you and I share something in our approach to poetry. I have a couple of mechanical things to ask you and/or suggest:

--There are two or three points at which I'm not quite sure about your grammar and whether its intentional. For example, "every breath is soft withheld"--do you mean "softly" or is there an implied comma there, or something else altogether? Or the last line, it's fine to ellipse "on", but I think maybe you need something like "those who surround".

--In the same vein, is there a specific reason why you don't use more punctuation in the poem? Would periods detract from something you are after? Because your lines are so short, I wouldn't use the convention of capitalizing the first word on each line, because then too many words seem like they are being emphasized through capitalization--do you follow my meaning?

Please don't take these very minor comments as negatives. To me your poem is especially vivid, effective, well-crafted and conveys real feeling.

Thanks much for your contribution,

Gary

 










Username: gottahavemcphaith
Online: User is Offline
Posts:10
Katharine Friend
Katharine Friend
Location: outside talking to the chickens


Member Since 7/18/2006

07/21/2006 10:39 AM Alert 
thanks!!!!!!!!

the "soft withheld" is an implied comma, but I used poetic license and skipped it for rhythm's sake. i chopped up the poem to emphasize the tension in the crowd. on "who surround," i was going again to preserve rhythm, but i see what you mean. i'll add a bit more punctuation, etc. will post my edit soon. thanks again!!!!

Courtney
Username: groucho
Online: User is Offline
Posts:4170

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Detroit area


Member Since 4/4/2006

07/22/2006 6:13 PM Alert 
I finally found a forum I can get into. For two days I've been getting a message about Error 504 Gateway timeout, every time I try to get into the Katharine Chat Forum. Anybody else having a problem? I'm at a loss. I'm hearing rumors on other boards and can't get into the best source of finding out the truth!

katpedia.com - watch and listen to Idol, pre-Idol, and post-Idol McPhee performances all in one convenient location

"And everything around her is a silver pool of light... She makes you calm, she holds you captivated in her palm"
Username: KatFan49
Online: User is Offline
Posts:624

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Just outside the Capitol of the Free World


Member Since 7/8/2006

07/22/2006 6:30 PM Alert 
Posted By groucho on 07/22/2006 6:13 PM
I finally found a forum I can get into. For two days I've been getting a message about Error 504 Gateway timeout, every time I try to get into the Katharine Chat Forum. Anybody else having a problem? I'm at a loss. I'm hearing rumors on other boards and can't get into the best source of finding out the truth!

Sorry, groucho. Haven't had any problems myself, but sometimes the board seems slower than usual.  Hope you get it resolved, it's sometimes cold outside the forums.

Found this:

Error Message:
504 – Gateway Timeout
Translation:
A server (not always a Web server) is working as a gateway to fulfill your browser’s request. However, the gateway server did not receive a timely response from an upstream server working on your request. This typically means that the gateway server is not communicating properly with up-stream servers.
Solution:
There is slow IP communication problems between the remote gateway and its upstream servers. There is little you can do except try the site again later or contact the Webmaster about the problem.

Katharine's summer is full of hope, full of potential, and promises to provide many bouquets to grace the home that I call my heart.

www.myspace.com/katfan49
www.myspace.com/katfia
www.myspace.com/katspack
Username: Trina
Online: User is Offline
Posts:507

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location:


Member Since 5/25/2006

07/23/2006 9:03 PM Alert 
This is an extra special poem that I have completed. Gary has been most kind with his guidance, and support. Thank you so much!!

I truly hope everyone will enjoy the heartfelt meaning to our dear Katharine.

Kindred

Kindred spirit, sweet and pure,
how you've touched my soul.
Gentle woman, powerful voice
you've reached my heart like love's first blush.

Dear angel song, with the rise and fall
of your precious breath
a magical voice
soars beyond rainbow's crest.

Your sky a canvas, Kat,
painted with arrays of color
reflects a beauty of tone
unmatched by others.

So many hearts and souls
you have touched and won.
O peaceful dove, pure, innocent
you do not realize what you've done.

Your laughter like brilliant sunshine
brightening a young child's day.
Humble heart, the depth of your talent
means you are blessed, here to stay.

Below the azure sky
stands you, elegant miss,
soaring sound, strong and true, which
tickles the ear like a butterfly's kiss.

By Trina
Username: Bigshady
Online: User is Offline
Posts:2656

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: SoCal


Member Since 4/8/2006

07/24/2006 12:06 AM Alert 
You guys, these poems are really outstanding. I don't know thing one about poetry, but from what I can gather, they are just awesome. Kat's really, really gonna love em.
Username: Trina
Online: User is Offline
Posts:507

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location:


Member Since 5/25/2006

07/24/2006 8:16 AM Alert 
Hey Bigshady,
Thank you so much for your dear compliment! It is truly appreciated!
Username: groucho
Online: User is Offline
Posts:4170

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Detroit area


Member Since 4/4/2006

07/24/2006 6:02 PM Alert 
Hey, KatFan, I think it's just dialup hell living up to its name again. I can get in better late at night. Maybe everyone is asleep by then and there's not as much competition for the...whatever I'm competing for.

katpedia.com - watch and listen to Idol, pre-Idol, and post-Idol McPhee performances all in one convenient location

"And everything around her is a silver pool of light... She makes you calm, she holds you captivated in her palm"
Username: McNick
Online: User is Offline
Posts:51

Katharine Crazy
Katharine Crazy
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina


Member Since 6/3/2006

07/24/2006 6:32 PM Alert 
"One"

By Nicolas


"I suffered a lot, why not?
The day is starting, the day is ending
The stubborn soul remains the same
The journey is long, I know by now

The plan is safe, that plan is stale
I look around, the path has changed
The light emerges, an awesome wave
My eyes hurt, they cannot see
My eyes are open! I know this now

Shattered pieces begin to move
Shattered pieces they are no more
I glimpse One dream
The dream´s not far
I am awake, by now

Forever I shall journey
Forever I shall see
Forever I won´t suffer
Forever, will be One.
Username: KatFan49
Online: User is Offline
Posts:624

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Just outside the Capitol of the Free World


Member Since 7/8/2006

07/24/2006 8:04 PM Alert 
Posted By groucho on 07/24/2006 6:02 PM
Hey, KatFan, I think it's just dialup hell living up to its name again. I can get in better late at night. Maybe everyone is asleep by then and there's not as much competition for the...whatever I'm competing for.



That dial up has gotta go.

Katharine's summer is full of hope, full of potential, and promises to provide many bouquets to grace the home that I call my heart.

www.myspace.com/katfan49
www.myspace.com/katfia
www.myspace.com/katspack
Username: KatKrazy
Online: User is Offline
Posts:258
Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Chicago


Member Since 5/17/2006

07/24/2006 11:51 PM Alert 
Dear Nicolas,

This is a VERY interesting and provocative poem. I like it a lot. I hate to ask you this because I hate it when I am asked almost the same thing, but...is there a way in which you could make the poem a little less secretive about its ideas? I'm not saying do away with all the mystery, but just to help the reader link up more with what's going on in your head.

In that same spirit, I would love it if we could see more clearly the connection to Kat (as creative as that may be) and if the meaning of "One" was illuminated somewhat. (By the way, did you intend for the poem to start with an unanswered quotation mark?)

This will be a great addition to our collection whatever its final form.

Thanks much,

Gary
Username: McNick
Online: User is Offline
Posts:51

Katharine Crazy
Katharine Crazy
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina


Member Since 6/3/2006

07/25/2006 7:43 AM Alert 
Hey Gary. I know that this poem is not very explicit about what was going on in my head, but it refers to the struggles Kat had to go through - and the struggles some of us have to go through - until the things she desired and hoped for became real, and the truth about herself unveiled to the world. And it is a journey we all have to deal with in life, evercoming obstacles, overcoming doubt about yourself, overcoming fear, and recollecting all the pretty little things about yourself so that they become one whole and true self. And then, show that true self to the world with all of its potential, something that in the case of Katharine, was a blessed thing to happen for all of us fans.

It could be considered somewhat personal, I didn´t know if the tone the poem was right to the topic you started, but in the end it´s the best poem I could come up with, and if I have to change it, I don´t know... the words just came one by one to mind.

I could try to change it a little bit, and as a result it may be more explicit about Kat´s journey, but I have to admit that I like that you can interpret the poem in different ways, depending on who is reading it - that´s what I like about poetry, that there is not only one righteous interpretation.

I could give it a try and change it a little bit, but having said this, I think Katharine may appreciate this kinds of poems in which she can be identified by it, and also think that it comes from a personal place from the heart of one of her fans.

Do you feel the poem to be a little too personal and out of context? I wrote it with Kat in my mind, that´s for sure.

But again, I can change it if you want.

To answer your question about the first line of the poem: I came up with this unanswered afirmation/question, it felt original and at the same time it is just saying: hey, sometimes we have to go through a lot of bad times, but what can you do about it? Accept it, deal with it, it can make you stronger, and MOVE ON.

Maybe you can attach this message I am writing right now at the end of the poem, that may be even better than trying to change the poem, just a thought.

Sorry if I am being a pain in the a... but the writing of the poem just flowed from my hand, and that is what I like about writing poems, is that you don´t have to think too much about them, just start to write.

Let me know what you think.

Nicolas




Username: Skitty
Online: User is Offline
Posts:152

Katharine Obsessed
Katharine Obsessed
Location: Toronto Ontario, Canada


Member Since 6/12/2006

07/25/2006 6:36 PM Alert 
Wow! All of your poems are so well written and unique! Great work guys!

I wish I could write as well as you guys do! Whenever I try writing poems they sound sappy and very unoriginal.

~Katey-Hope

A girl needs plenty open toes =)
Username: KatKrazy
Online: User is Offline
Posts:258
Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Chicago


Member Since 5/17/2006

07/25/2006 6:50 PM Alert 

Dear Skitty,

Thanks for your support!

Dear Nicolas,

OK, it's clear that you aren't too comfortable with the idea of changing your poem and the decision is all yours. I would just ask you to do this: Try to look at the poem like a stranger reading it for the first time (which is what Kat will be). Does it say everything you want it to say to that reader? If yes, then  great. If not, then perhaps a few additions could make a big difference. All the things you explained in your last post are helpful--but will the reader get this? If yes, then great. If not....

We won't be adding commentary after the poems, so the poem itself basically has to say it all. I think what you mean by "One" is especially mysterious and might benefit from a little verbal support.

I don't think you saw what I meant about the first line. The question mark is just fine, but if you look again you'll see the line starts with a quotation mark, but there isn't another one closing the quote--did you mean to do this?

Again, I really like it! You are the poet and have to decide what's best for your creation.

Gary

Username: KatKrazy
Online: User is Offline
Posts:258
Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Chicago


Member Since 5/17/2006

07/25/2006 7:52 PM Alert 
Greg--please see the "Poetry Now it Gets Serious" thread in Chat.

Thanks!
Username: McNick
Online: User is Offline
Posts:51

Katharine Crazy
Katharine Crazy
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina


Member Since 6/3/2006

07/25/2006 8:24 PM Alert 
Gary: the quotation mark is accidental, I ´ll remove it. And I´ll I try to think about the poem. Maybe Kat will appreciate the poem for what it is, maybe I want her role in the poem to become more obvious. I shall see what I do about it.

Thanks Gary. And thanks for liking the poem.

Nico.
Username: McNick
Online: User is Offline
Posts:51

Katharine Crazy
Katharine Crazy
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina


Member Since 6/3/2006

07/26/2006 3:23 PM Alert 
"One" (alternate version version)

By Nicolas from Argentina


I suffered a lot, why not?
The day is starting, the day is ending
The stubborn soul remains the same
The journey is long, I know by now

The plan is safe, that plan is stale
I look around, the path has changed
A light emerges, a sound, a voice
My eyes hurt, they cannot see
The sound, the voice, caress my ears
My eyes are open! And I can see

An aura, like a rainbow, suddenly appears
One sound, One voice, a voice within
I look around, One thing is true
I stare, I listen, I don´t dare move
The voice, whispers in my ear, what I already knew

Shattered pieces begin to move
Shattered pieces they are no more
I glimpse One dream
The dream´s not far
I´m finally awake, by now

One thing´s for sure, the voice was real
One thing´s for sure, the voice is true
The stubborn soul embraced this voice
One voice, not two, nor three, nor four,
To change it all.






Gary: I don´t know... what do you think about this???? I would very much like to know your thoughts on this one. Is it better, worse, different, than the first One? I know it´s different.
Username: KatKrazy
Online: User is Offline
Posts:258
Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Chicago


Member Since 5/17/2006

07/27/2006 1:40 AM Alert 
Posted By McNick on 07/26/2006 3:23 PM
"One" (alternate version version)

By Nicolas from Argentina


I suffered a lot, why not?
The day is starting, the day is ending
The stubborn soul remains the same
The journey is long, I know by now

The plan is safe, that plan is stale
I look around, the path has changed
A light emerges, a sound, a voice
My eyes hurt, they cannot see
The sound, the voice, caress my ears
My eyes are open! And I can see

An aura, like a rainbow, suddenly appears
One sound, One voice, a voice within
I look around, One thing is true
I stare, I listen, I don´t dare move
The voice, whispers in my ear, what I already knew

Shattered pieces begin to move
Shattered pieces they are no more
I glimpse One dream
The dream´s not far
I´m finally awake, by now

One thing´s for sure, the voice was real
One thing´s for sure, the voice is true
The stubborn soul embraced this voice
One voice, not two, nor three, nor four,
To change it all.






Gary: I don´t know... what do you think about this???? I would very much like to know your thoughts on this one. Is it better, worse, different, than the first One? I know it´s different.

Dear Nic,

I understand your hesitation. In some ways I like the first one better too. But the last paragraph of the new one is stronger, in my view, along with certain other changes. I have taken the unconscionable liberty of combining elements of both poems to show you what I like best (for whatever THAT'S worth). I think when you added your new lines, they were not in the style of the first version. I have attempted (poorly, I'm sure) to restore that. I also tweaked a couple of lines to showcase  the new double theme of voice and light (hence the title I put to this experimental version). Finally, I have a hard time with capitalizing Really Important Words, like One. So I wanted to see what it might look like without that. In all these matters you are the judge. This is just submitted for your consideration.

By the way, I especially love your first stanza. It's deep.

All good things,

Gary




Light and Voice

I suffered a lot, why not?
The day is starting, the day is ending
The stubborn soul remains the same
The journey is long, I know by now

The plan is safe, that plan is stale
I look around, the path has changed
The light emerges, a sound, a voice
My eyes hurt, they cannot see
The light, the voice, caress my ears
My eyes are open! And I can see

An aura, this rainbow, just now appears
One sound, one voice, a voice within
I look around, one thing is true
I stare, I listen, I don´t dare move
The voice whispers what I knew

Shattered pieces begin to move
Shattered pieces they are no more
I glimpse one dream
The dream´s not far
I am awake for sure by now

One thing´s for sure, the voice was real
One thing is sure, the voice is true
The stubborn soul embraced this light
One voice by now to change it all.

Username: McNick
Online: User is Offline
Posts:51

Katharine Crazy
Katharine Crazy
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina


Member Since 6/3/2006