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Phantom Emotion
“I am almost ready”
Memories denied that were forever there
Lend reason to that uncounted-for emotion
That specter of ill-feeling
Her nightmare has lost its roots
And so she dangles
We witness the ghost of past struggle
Shrivel its optimistic host
“I no longer believe”
So time rests
As she is forced to recover
Yet finds nothing
Save that artificial savior
Refuge within the self
“Dreams are gospel,” she says
“Words are pointless…”
“Reliance on others is futile…”
So emotional guards once constricted
Are deemed unmovable
But intrudes a voice
Watch as it seeps in unnoticed
Pierces the fragile, the unbeknownst confusion
Hear it complete that process rushed
And save a life
“It is done”
Voice of invisible substance, mystic effect
Fills a void for the lonely
A balm for shallow healing
I’ve felt it soar below my barrier of grief
And force a lost heart to confront fears forgotten
The aftermath that followed the ghost of mourning
These things take time
But I am no longer alone
Lend reason to that unaccounted-for emotion
These first few lines can be summed up altogether. I, the poem's subject (if this makes it easier I'll speak in first person) have a constant battle with emotion. I feel depressed or spontaneously somber at times, though I'm not quite sure why. This is because I think I have healed when I truly have not. I've chosen to no longer dwell upon the bad memories and move on, but in doing so I don't eliminate my emotional state at that time. This accounts for the confusion. When I write that "her nightmare has lost its roots," I am saying that the source for this melancholy mood and the random bouts of depression are unknown because I have made them that way without knowing.
Pretty much continues in the same vein here. I'm kind of repeating myself actually. At this point I hang in a sort of limbo as I don't attempt to acknowledge what has been hurting, eating away at me. Part of me knows the problem, and this makes it all the worst, for it is just within my reach, but I cannot find it somehow. The frustration is damaging to a positive soul like mine.
It is never a good thing when i confuse even myself...Anyway, what I think happens here is a bit of a chronology issue. What I explained in the first part above is not clear at all until this point. It explains the process of a rushed, "artificial" healer, this being myself (if that makes sense). At this point, I only put stock in what I believe. This is a bit of a climax as it exhibits my utter breakdown and disillusionment with reality in general. Since I believe I am healed, I deny that I am still hurting.
But I am no longer aloneThis is where my reference to Kat comes in. She is the voice. Metaphorically speaking, there is a hollow area in my "heart" (god that's cheesy) that explains why I don't feel altogether stable. For some reason, her voice has freed me of sorts, filled that space and forced me to come out of my shell to address feelings I wasn't allowing myself reach, to rediscover those memories that i find too painful to recall. In short, she sort of saved my sanity and helped release some insecurity issues.As for the quotes...These are things I've told myself at different points in time of this experience but never really listened to. Clues that I didn't pay any attention. The first one comes right before that first false declaration of "healing," where I was almost "there." "I no longer believe" comes at a time when I am confused, but I deny that I am because I think I know best (remember that these quotes are sort of like supressed feelings). The next three seem pretty self-explanatory right?The last one, I guess, is pretty obvious also. I'm pretty sure there are tons of clarity issues I have yet to touch upon, but hopefully i got through most of them.Okay, I'm really tired, but before I go to bed , I really want to thank you for helping me with this, and you are helping. I know i haven't touched on yet a few of the things that you addressed, but I will get to them shortly. I really am grateful because the message of this poem means a lot to me, and I hope that I can get it as best I can before Kat reads it. (Please for give any vagueness I have at the moment. My eyes are drooping furiously)Jasmine (figured I'd start putting my real name)
Dear Jasmine,Yes, it's late for me too, but I just wanted to begin a response. Thank you for so graciously and bravely sharing part of what's behind the poem. Now things are very clear and I think it will be relatively easy for you to touch up the poem in a way that would allow someone to trace the main story line, including consistently using the first person about yourself. By the way, just on the technical side, I prefer using italics in a poem to indicate your internal thoughts rather than quotation marks. (I also thought it would be clever to try: "Words are pointless, she says." Especially in a word-poem.) To be continued...Gary
Dear Jesse,I'm guessing that Ken put in many of those "that's" becuase of his sense of meter in this poem; the syllable count is important for what he's doing, but you make a good grammatical point!On that note, Ken--a few of the lines could be smoothed out just a touch to fit your meter more: One example: You have--I'd hope and I'd prayThat on WednesdayWith just a slight change it reads more smoothlyI'd hope and I'd prayThat on this Wednesday (OR: That the very next day)Fun poem! And sweet.Gary