"Scratch that cell call to Freud about Film-Noir in Tarzan's jungle. Dreaming about playing a flying, sexy biker chick version of Brunnhilde while 'Ride of the Valkyries' plays in the background is about as deep into my subsconscious as I want to get..."

Kat (as Juliet): "Romeo! Romeo! Whereart thou, Romeo?!"

Male Model (as Romeo): "Yo...I'm rights here. And I'm burning more Blue Steel than any steel factory in the country!"

"We're registered at Bloomingdale's, I'm in perfect shape for my wedding dress, the honeymoon location is all set up, no paparazzi within ten miles to bother our surprise Groundhog Day wedding--and I just had to go and get my mouth stuck on a bottle of water from eating all that peanut butter sent by RCA. Well, I think I can still whistle out "I do" from the side--but perfect weddings sometimes involve calling in doctors at the last minute to perform miracles..."

Sounds heard inside the Beverly Hills Presbyterian Church...

"Do you...Katharine Hope McPhee...take Nicolas Cokas to be your husband? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect him, forsaking all others and holding only unto him?"

"I do..."

"After all the time I spent in the gym so I'd fit into my wedding gown, you're staring at HER?
 I will never understand men if I live to be a hundred. Never. "

^Attention...attention...will Groucho's missing caption photo please report to the Lost and Found area of the premises...

"Nick, when that honeymoon travel brochure said that our rooms in Hawaii would be half off--did the fine print say that includes the love seat? And when I saw the shag rug rolled up in a ball outside from flood damage...I just kept thinking a lot more about our perfect wedding..."

Nick's secret plans to make their honeymoon unique...

Nick: "Ok, cue the trumpet fanfare and the Greek-Hawaiian hybrid dancers who do a new, frenetic version of the Hula..."

Kat: "Um, I don't know when I'm supposed to look up to see my honeymoon surprise--but next to hearing those trumpets and yells of 'opah!' with ukeleles...I hear a rustling in the bushes over there that sounds suspiciously like a Southern California paparazzi rustle..."

Nick: "Ok, I'm going to go out on a limb and admit that I was wrong to deny it when you said that bees exist in Hawaii and can reside in the tropical flowers there suitable for taking a whiff of..."

___

Kat: "Nick, dear....I'M the designated one that's supposed to give the ominous glare at the paparazzi that turns them into quivering idiots. You're just the 'smirk and bear it' guy...unless the pre-nup fine print changed..."

K:  "Geez, Larry, will you hurry up? Don't you know California girls get chilly when the 
mercury dips below 80?"

L:  "Hang on, Mom, hang on, these trees are just so big and intimidating....  wait, there's a
little yellow post! Target!"

"Ok, bathtub installer checkup! When I said I wanted a bathtub in my condo that looked like a fountain seen in Europe--I didn't expect the water to spring forth from the lion head's nose. Then again, this one is better than the last one you installed that had the cherub springing water from...oh, never mind. Just get it right before it turns 1929...I mean 2009..."

"Note to my fans: I promise I'll get busy soon making a new album, making new movies and otherwise get on the road to being the Queen of all Media. But first, I just HAD to get involved in that endurance test bet to show I could withstand 48 hours riding upside-down on a merry-go-round with horses who enjoy eating too much Mexican food..."

Kat: "Ok, if you Kat Kaptions people insist on taking me back in time to my high school musical productions five years ago--then you're going to have to pay me more than $25 a week to see it again. At this point, I'd say $10,000 per 'into the bleachers' note is fair. And I want that all in fives, please..."

Christina Aguilera look-a-like: "And if I'm really Christina Aguilera as a girl, then I not only demand $1 million per 'into the bleachers' note--but demand that my only Broadway-themed song be 'I am Sixteen Growing on Thirty-Five..'"

A new announcement for a movie project that gets a green light...

"With all this time travel to the past in Kat Kaptions, I've just changed history and received a major part in a Merchant/Ivory film at some point in the 1980's. The name of this sweeping, intellectual and 1920's period drama? 'A Room with One Helluva Good View'"...

Kat's Return to "AI"...

"Hey, if Cirque du Soleil can be weird and back Celine Dion and the Beatles--then this performance of my new single on the show while riding a carousel with a picture up above of Native-American versions of Randy, Paula, Simon and Ryan riding in a canoe shouldn't be anywhere near avant-garde. Only, I didn't expect to have to sing on top of a bucking horse who's known to take nips into the Paula Cup..."

"Hmmm, I'm betting this one gets the role of Wonder Woman, seeing as how she can actually fly. Whattaya think, Charlie?"

David Foster: "Ok, here's the deal--I just bought this show and I'm looking at constructing this little path right through the space where Simon sits..."

Kat: "Oooh, yeah, I see it. And I also see some gravel, flowers, peat moss and maybe some little fountains with cherubs to liven up the Simonless space, too..."

Ryan: "Um, you're not intending on building a shadowy lane through my little 'Me' space on this stage, are you?

"As Kat turns 24--she gets a call from the show "24" to fill in for Jack Bauer who's still pretending to be Kiefer Sutherland sitting in jail for a DUI. As Kat tries to save the world from terrorists by running to a nearby computer to identify who they are on a CD-ROM database--the CIA, FBI and NSA re-consider her trying to save the world when they notice her walking on air...much to the eye-popping, jaw-dropping, hair-raising amazement of those behind her who witness it firsthand...

Kat: "I'm just a little bit country...

Kat and Nick on Tax Day April 15:

Nick: "Wow, these automatic airport terminal H&R Block tax filing machines just saved me having to visit my insane accountant who claimed last year I could take a deduction based on my shaved haircut..."

Kat: "Yeah, well, I just got the Jackson Hewitt tax filing machine--and they say I can take a deduction off RCA and off Clive Davis's gold-plated underwear just taken away from him at BMG..."

Kat: "Whoa...I had no idea there was a Katharine McPhee Airport in Smalltown, USA. And that 24/7 video loop of the button flying off my yellow dress on 'AI' just hypnotized me for the day..."

Nick: And they would have to have a 24/7 video loop of Nick's Best 'AI' Kat Signs and Expressions in the Audience.' Well, I don't mind watching the 2006 'I Know 'Come Rain or Come Shine' is for Me' expression on continuous video loop until we get home to L.A..."

____

Kat: "Oh my God...airline pilots are going on strike because of high gas prices and rising prices of beer--and I've just seen a giant stack of cots being set up on the other side of the airport terminal..."

"Now I want you all to listen to me very carefully: Go get my cell and call my doctor. I've just frozen my face from having to smile at the press so much for the last two years...and I've never been within ten miles of botox!"

Man to left: "Oh yeah, sure, my friend said go to that art exhibit...you'll find a lot of beautiful girls there. And all I see are men in business suits as far as the eye can see. Well, it'd be just my luck that someone of the female species is standing right behind me, but I'm not about to waste my bad fortune by turning around and encountering Mr. Men's Warehouse..."

___

Hilary: "You know that other Hillary is looking for a running mate, so why don't we team up and rule the world?"

Kat: "I still have to talk to my Nena about that. She's still afraid of a dog marriage of convenience with your dog. Besides, our superpowers have already caused a crack in this floor, so we have to tame the flame..."

And in a stunning business development, Michael O'Rourke of Big Sexy Hair managed to concoct a new BSH hairspray formula that not only holds locks of hair in place but also an acne formula that prevents and kills blackheads on a person's face. At press time, Katharine McPhee has signed a new contract with Big Sexy Hair into 2052, and Neutrogena is suing for McPhee doing new Big Sexy Hair infomercials showcasing how the new spray can make blackheads flake off a person's face instantaneously while subsequently heard coughing and gagging. In a related development, stocks for flying pigs went up 200% when the world received stunning news that Katharine McPhee actually ever developed a blackhead...