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Forums > American Idol > American Idol Satire and Fiction
Subject: The Daily Dung (Fly on the Wall Reports)--"One night on the female idols' tour bus..."
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Username: Gregoriancant
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Posts:3706

Katharine Addict
Katharine Addict
Location: Oregon, USA


Member Since 5/26/2006
08/02/2006 9:11 AM Alert 
THE DAILY DUNG—(Fly on the Wall Reports)
"One night on the female idols’ tour bus..."

Other than TDD’s star reporter, Mr. Omni Scient, the rag also has a female star reporter, Miss U. Biquity. No word on what the ‘U’ stands for—but rumours are it stands for Ursella. There’s also rumours Miss Biquity isn’t a woman at all and the ‘U’ stands for Ulysses. In any case, Miss Biquity got special permission to tour the female Idol bus to fill the role that the Hollywood Tattletale reporter didn’t get to do. This was down in the southern part of the U.S. within the last 48 hours—so it was obviously very hot on this night. So hot, in fact, that security was busy being lethargic along with the bus driver.

Though Miss Biquity was initially supervised while touring the Female Idol bus—nobody paid any attention if she exited the bus later. And she didn’t...because she managed to hide under a secret area near the bunk beds just as the female idols went back on the bus after performing in Greensboro. TDD claims in this same article that Miss Biquity managed to dodge the security because she gave some of the security guards ice cream cones laced with a sleeping agent. But other witnesses claim that they DID see security around the bus at all hours, even though one reported that a couple of them were seen going around in dazed circles and barking like Chihuahuas. Yes, Miss Biquity is trained in hypnosis too.

So goes the article, Miss Biquity listened to all the conversations on the bus as the bus headed toward Charlotte. In the first hour, U.B. claims she could hear Katharine talking to Kellie about some kind of letters she got from fans and thanking Kellie for keeping them in safekeeping. Several sniffles could be heard Katharine’s way...followed by a couple of loud guffaws as she apparently read to herself. Then there was some period of silence that gave way to a collective snort that was thought to be unison snoring. Apparently everybody fell asleep at once...plus a revelation that everybody on the bus snores. There were even a couple of the girls who reportedly talked in their sleep. Kellie’s voice rang out in hour two uttering in sleepy tones: "How do you pronounce Wolfgang Puck?" and "Oh my...goodness gracious sakes alive." U.B. wasn’t sure if it was Katharine’s voice, but one female voice sang out "And I’m better than Taylor-r-r-...Possibilitieeees." Apparently the female idols can’t avoid Ford even in their dreams.

In hour three, the bus ran over a massive pothole and woke everybody up. The bus driver came back to make sure everybody was ok, which made U.B. wonder who was driving the bus—because it was still moving. Apparently there’s an automatic pilot system on the bus which is brand-new technology that nobody knows about yet. America can do that, yet technology can’t avoid potholes.

At least it made the female idols talk a little more. U.B. even heard Katharine get up to use the bathroom—though U.B. took a peek from her hiding place to see that a line had formed outside the bathroom door. Apparently Lisa Tucker had fallen inside the loo when the bus hit the pothole and was trying to clean up before the other girls went inside. Pretty soon, the scene started to resemble what you’d see outside public restrooms at crowded events. Lots of bickering, feverish pacing and banging on the door ensued to get Lisa out of there. Finally she came out and all the other girls tried to go in at once. Only Kellie managed to be quick enough to get into the bathroom first and close the door. Then Mandisa started reciting a prayer out loud with Katharine that their bladders would hold for another ten minutes. Because Miss Biquity was hiding right underneath where they were sitting—U.B. also started praying.

Finally, in hour four, everybody had their bathroom business done and went back to bed. But then insomnia seemed to be a factor—and they all started talking something about wearing black hoodies. Based on U.B.’s sworn reporting and good ears, she says in the article that the female idols talked about actually being superheroes in their off-time and wear black hoodies as their outfits to fight justice as a sort of female Bat-Woman team. Some bickering started again when Katharine insisted on wearing her Wonder Woman outfit to be her own kind of superhero—but the other girls were against it. They all get lassos though to use at will. U.B. says that if you see one of the girls in the black hoodies—don’t touch them, because they might do some martial art move on you out of automatic self-defense.

In hour five, the bus arrived in Charlotte—and the once-again sleeping girls awakened in a sleepy fog to exit the bus to check into the hotel. While hiding in her hiding place, Miss Biquity managed to grab one of those black hoodies and put it on. She also managed to exit the bus at that point without being noticed—and now vows to fight crime on the streets in her spare time...while hoping to maybe run into Katharine in that Wonder Woman outfit in the middle of the night somewhere. If nothing else, going in to watch the Idol show with the hoodie on will help keep Miss Biquity’s appearance a secret...despite her big ears unfortunately sticking out too much under the hood.
Username: Minnie
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Katharine Addict
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Location: Palo Alto, CA


Member Since 7/14/2006
08/02/2006 5:25 PM Alert 
Thanks for this exclusive! I'm cancelling my "USA Today" immediately and subscribing to "The Daily Dung".

One of my fav lines is: "...even though one reported that a couple of them were seen going around in dazed circles and barking like Chihuahuas."

BTW, I hope you'll send Miss Biquity to cover the AI concert in Portland!!
We are definitely working together -- working on a record together. She sings so magnificently, it's just amazing -David Foster-
Username: Gregoriancant
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Posts:3706

Katharine Addict
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Location: Oregon, USA


Member Since 5/26/2006
08/03/2006 2:38 AM Alert 
Posted By Minnie on 08/02/2006 5:25 PM
Thanks for this exclusive! I'm cancelling my "USA Today" immediately and subscribing to "The Daily Dung".

One of my fav lines is: "...even though one reported that a couple of them were seen going around in dazed circles and barking like Chihuahuas."

BTW, I hope you'll send Miss Biquity to cover the AI concert in Portland!!

Oh yes, I've talked to some sources through the TDD--and I hear Miss U. Biquity will be attending some select 'AI' concerts around the country. So be on the lookout for someone sitting near you with a stolen black hoodie. Just don't call security thinking it's a terrorist, even though Miss Biquity has training in how to slip away before security even manages to lay a hand on her.

If she shows up in Portland, I'll be sure to put a review of what she said here. Of course, she'll probably be hiding under the drum set somewhere so she can catch onstage banter. And then later, she'll probably find some way of blending into the crowd during the m&g's. She actually has the McPheever but knows how to fake being a neutral jealous girlfriend of a male Kat Phan so Kat won't notice her.

I think have to call the TDD and tell Miss B to go back and unhypnotize those security guards. At last report, they're still outside that performing venue in Greensboro...though this time quacking like ducks and pretending to nibble on lawn turf. Miss Biquity is a naughty woman, but sometimes the staff forces her to behave.

Oh, and TDD is considering acquiring USA Today--even though it might mean being forced to rename themselves The USA Daily Dung. Somehow the neutrality of the original name works better rather than dragging the USA into it.
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Forums > American Idol > American Idol Satire and Fiction > The Daily Dung (Fly on the Wall Reports)--"One night on the female idols' tour bus..."


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