The Hollywood Tattletale
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The President Has the McPheever

Washington - Clueless Press International   This reporter met with the President of the United States, George W. Bush, shortly after the American Idol crew had left. The press office had stated that the President was "aware" of the show, but I wanted to get the real story directly from him. Our conversation in the oval office follows.

"Mr. President, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule to talk with me about the American Idols you just met. It's been said that you don't watch the show. Is that true?"

"Well, to be honest here, I did manage to keep Tuesday and Wednesday nights open. Not much happens in the world on those nights. Me and some of the staff would sit around and watch down in the situation room. You ever watch American Idol on forty high definition monitors at once? Now, that's cool."

"But isn't the situation room supposed to be monitoring foreign threats and national security status?"

"Hey, being the President has its priviledges. I set the priorities around here."

"Did you ever vote?"

"Sure. How do you think I got here?"

"No, I mean for a favorite on American Idol?"

"Oh. Well, between you and me - there are about a thousand phones between here and the executive offices. I just send out an executive order to dial 1-866-436-570whatever, and those votes start pouring in for the next two hours. We have a heck of an automated text messaging system here too. Probably 5,000 messages a minute."

"Mind telling me who you voted for?"

"Well, everyone thinks I was a Soul Patroller. That's misdirection. I learned it from the CIA. Between you and me, McPheever's got me."

"So, let me ask you about the individual idols. I'll go through their names, and you just tell me what you thought of them after meeting them today."

"OK"

"Lisa."

"How old is she? I'm four times older than her and I can't talk as good as she sings."

"Mandisa."

"She's the hugger, right? My ribs still hurt."

"Bucky."

"Bucky's just ducky. Ha ha. Get it? Bucky...ducky."

"Ace."

"I like a man who plays poker. He does play poker doesn't he? I mean, why's he named Ace?"

"Kellie."

"She's funny. Didn't she do a duet with a lobster or something?"

"Paris."

"Well now, you shouldn't have to ask how I feel about the French."

"Chris."

"You know, rock music never did much for me, starting with the Monkeys."

"Elliott."

"Oh yeah, he showed up late. Must not always ride the same day he saddles his horse."

"Katharine."

"Whoooee! After we're done here, I'm off to Bethesda Naval Hospital to have this McPheever looked at."

"Taylor."

"Did the pressure do that to his hair? I mean, look what it's done to mine."

"Thank you, Mr. President."

ahahaha Thank you KatFan for keeping the mood light, wonderful once again!!! And it's even better that I know you wrote this lol...

You're killing me Don! So nice to see your posts again

Heehee...Bucky is ducky!!

My favorite: "Didn't she do a duet with a lobster or something?" THAT'S CLASSIC!!

Lol!! Totally hilarious!! Bush's got the McPheever!!

Hahaa! So funny. My fave are the Bucky-ducky and duet thing about pickler and lobster?! Omg that's a great post, Don!

ROFLMBO!! you are TOO funny, BOY!! That is FLIPPIN' Hilarious!!

May I send that to some friends? Truly, they are friends...pretty please???

Heavenmom xoxoxo

Don,

Well, this could be believable since you're just in the vicinity of the white house

Good writing and very funny.

Don, how funny!! I loved it!! You are a barrel of monkeys.

Nice Don! That was hillarious!
Just be careful posting paradies like this...the 'real' press might read it and copy it, next thing you know it's in the Washington Post and NY Times!

I guess I need to get a life because I'm definitely a subscriber.

Well, Don, you probably heard me say in the Chat Room that The Hollywood Tattletale's business partner, The Daily Dung, was shut out of this event. (No press remember.) So what did they do but actually manage to get by security early in the White House and hide under the President's desk in the Oval Office. One of the TDD's omniscient spies fixated himself to the inner side of the desk (apparently he discovered some secret toys from JFK under there ) and just listened in as the idols and the President came in.

According to this spy's reports, he overheard President Bush play a few bars on that 'AI' mouth harp Taylor Hicks gave him. Dubya was quite good and actually managed to play the entire opus of 'I've Been Workin' On the Railroad.' By the time the President got to the 'Fe-Fi-Fiddley-Ei-O' chorus--Kat could be heard singing it while the rest of the idols joined in. After it was done, President Bush told this story about actually once dating someone named Dinah who could play a horn and always had people wondering if someone was in the kitchen with her.

Oh, and the TDD's spy also reported hearing Kellie pick up a book off the shelf in the Oval Office which apparently made the eastern wall spin around to a secret chamber. She was said to have gotten stuck on the other side (several "Oh my Gaw's" were heard being muffled on the other side) before the President walked over and tried to re-spin the wall so she could get out. The reporter reports that on her last attempt to get out, he heard the wall hit something that caused a crunch sound and what sounded like Kellie uttering "Put...the...candle...back." Apparently Kellie Pickler's seen 'Young Frankenstein' as many times as we all have.

The most interesting news: The reporter looking up and seeing Kat sitting in the President's chair for a minute. The reporter didn't know if the President knew or not--but Kat was said to be so shocked she was sitting in the President's chair, that she dug her heels right into the side of the desk. TDD's omniscient reporter is said to be doing fine now after having one rib broken. He also covered his eyes when Kat was sitting in the chair to avoid any lawsuits.

TDD's reporter also says that after Elliott walked in late to meet the President--he hugged President Bush and started snoring in his arms. Secret Service picked him up and let him rest in a private room until the idols were ready to leave.

Also, reports are that UK Prime Minister, Tony Blair, came in briefly toward the end and revealed that he also has the McPheever to Kat. He said he could get a meeting with her and Andrew Lloyd Webber set up any time she wanted. Despite that, he said that he also had the Soul Patrol Dance Fever and started doing spastic dance moves with Taylor. And then the Secret Service found TDD's omniscient reporter hiding under the desk...

Better luck next time on getting more detailed reports on Kat's career.

Is 'The Hollywood Tattletale' a real newspaper? 

"Elliott."

"Oh yeah, he showed up late. Must not always ride the same day he saddles his horse."

Was my fav.

Too funny, that's for the chuckles.

KatFan49... lol

Thanks folks. Glad you enjoyed it.

Spotlighter15 - pretty obvious this time, eh?

heavenmom - since you asked so nicely, yes. All I ask when copying a post is to let folks know where it came from.  Not everyone does that.

bill - this has just as much chance of being true as some of the "reporting" in the WP and NYT.

Greg - as managing editor of TDD, you should remind your reporter that the Secret Service are some serious dudes. He's lucky he got by with just a broken rib. If he had been caught...well, there are 212 bones in the human body.  Also, your worker's compensation premium is going to kill you.

Katfan100 - well, it shows up in my driveway once in a while.

Managing editor? The TDD just shows up on my doorstep through special connections I have without having to lay out a cent. I'm the messenger of what I read there to those who want deadly serious news from the showbiz (and occasionally White House) front.

The TDD goes through frequent acquisitions based on the high risk of the reporters and the fact that the CEO of the company is usually in a straight-jacket during board meetings.

Oh, and that source I have with the magazine is this particular omniscient reporter who spent time under President Bush's desk on Friday. He even sent me some little baubles he found under there that were either stuck on or stored in secret drawers under the desk. One was some kind of secret 'toy' thing that belonged to JFK that looked like a top. And then there was some wadded up pieces of gum that either came from George or maybe Richard Nixon. He also found some secret note written by Monica Lewinsky...though I'm not about to read it on a family board. Ebay here I come...

One last thing the reporter told me about Kat that he managed to see while peering over the edge of the desk for a second: She did some of the same dance moves she does during 'Black Horse' when doing the 'Fe-Fi-Fiddly-Ei-O' chant from the 'Railroad' song.

*ahem* am i the only one who thought that was real until i saw spotlighter's comment about keeping the mood light? umm yeah i'm a little slow.

hahahahaha!! oh man ...that is GREAT!

*cough* i DIDN'T think this was real at first *hides*

Say did you know Tina Fey is leaving SNL. Ever thought of sending  your material over there. Too highbrow? and reading KatFan49 beats reading a WP review any time. Bravo!

Gregor, I love TDD. it cracks me up! Thanx.

Hilarious!
LOL
Great post！

well, how about me applying for a position at The Hollywood Tattletale? or at The Daily Dung?

It's very dangerous work. You need to be willing to go where no one else is willing to go. And you have to put up with some very shady characters.
And there's the issue of pay...there is none.

Satire and funny stuff now has its own folder, so feel free to contribute stories. The more, the better.

There's some openings in The Daily Dung, but you have go through a special process in order to get confirmed. You see, the CEO of the company (Timmy Casablanca, Ted Casablanca's scorned younger brother) is certifiably insane and usually has to be wheeled into the board room while tied into the chair. The hiring process and green lights the reporters get for story ideas are confirmed by the CEO by him uttering guttoral noises of certain patterns. One guttoral noise means a 'Yes'...and two guttoral noises--followed by a banshee-like scream usually means a 'No way, Jose.'

Also, the reporters at The Daily Dung have to have an all-knowing essence to them. You don't really have to know everything, but it helps to go around sticking your nose in the air as if you do. The TDD looks out for that in job interviews. The mag's star reporter, Mr. Omni Scient already does most of the dangerous and daring work--and he truly DOES know everything. In fact, he was rumoured to be a fly on a dozen different walls in another life. Most of those lives were short, though, because just about everybody he was spying on owned a fly swatter.

Rumours are hitting right now that Ted Casablanca may get canned from E! because his reports on Katharine were proven to be bogus. Rumours are also hitting TDD's big ears that he may try to apply at the TDD before fall hits. He apparently doesn't know his long-lost younger brother is the CEO, but it may be a proven cure for Timmy Casablanca if he sees his brother again. Then again, there's been talk that Timmy actually went mad when he realized that his brother may be confused about his sexual orientation...which has since been proven as (or deduced) as non-straight. They both took the showbiz last name 'Casablanca' because they used to watch the classic movie all the time when younger. Apparently Ted used to talk about how beautiful Ingrid Bergman AND Humphrey Bogart were, which led to the confusion.

Anyway, I can probably pass on an application to you for the TDD. But remember they do ask for your Social Security number, which I always despise in a company. If you want them snooping into your personal life beforehand, you've been warned. Just remember I have no affiliation with them other than getting TDD delivered to my doorstep from a female friend who knows Mr. Omni Scient.

HAhahahaha thats funny

oh no problem with the pay thing, i can totally work for free, as long as i can go whizzing around places without people noticing how much of a snoop i am in their own business. i can totally go incognito or the opposite, whatever the story i dig up may require. thanks for the warning though.

LOLOLOL!!!! That was hilarious!